Tuesday, December 29, 2009

New Eyes

One of my favorite quotes that I wanted to share is by Marcel proust (d.1922).

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."

A. Be. See

I was up last night thinking about this blog. I have to date, posted twice including this. I think about it, posting, but I don’t do it. I want to post more but feel uninspired, and judged and judgmental. I think too much. This has always been my problem: thinking and talking and not enough doing.

Frankly, over thinking things is a sheer waste of pure life energy. Imagining all the possibilities of what could happen in the future or obsessing over that happened in the past is exhausting. And pointless. Nothing will change the past. The future is not here yet. So just enjoy now. Be.

So in my period of unrest during the night, I was, yes, thinking. I was thinking about how as children we learn to speak and express ourselves by taking steps to learn our ABCs. These are the building blocks for linguistic enlightenment, for self-expression. I was in some way meditating on A, B and C, repeating each letter as if it were my mantra. Then, it dawned on me that the building blocks for that deeper expression of Divine truth come only when you can learn to Be. When you have mastered the art of Being, one will be able to See. It was an Aha moment, A. Be. See. Being brings about seeing. I don’t know what the A is for, it’s redundant. But I need it to make a point, to draw a parallel. So in my state of realization, I stopped thinking and just, well, was. And then I woke up. My thoughtless mind brought me abundant rest. My thinking mind brings me dark circles and indigestion. It’s time to start making wise choices. And that’s one way to describe life is, isn’t it, a series of choices.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Knowing Your Worth

What is enough?

Do I do enough?
Do I rest enough?
Am I healthy enough?
Am I social enough?
Do I work hard enough?

There are questions like these posed every nanosecond of the day, in every human mind. So, what is enough?

My plague is, do I do enough?

Presently, I am a stay-at-home mother. That means I am:
-The Chef
-The Maid
-The Runner of Errands – dry cleaning, groceries, household shopping etc
-The Mail Woman
-The Chairperson of the household reserve (I make sure we don’t go over budget)
-A Taxi Service
…among other things.

It made me think of my worth, since I am usually struggling with the question “Do I do enough?”. I am vying each day to bring more to the table, more bread, more dough, mo’ money. I feel guilt ridden that I am fiscally a failure of a provider. But digging deeper, I found that the worth of a stay-at-home mom is rather dazzling.

If I were to be paid for my services, I would make approximately $90,000. Factor in overtime, because we all know mommy is needed in the night, and that hikes up the salary about $25,000. We do not have sick days, or vacation. We have to work, hard, every single waking moment. We are often roused from deep sleep to comfort shattering nightmares, or to feed hungry newborns. We have to calm toddlers throwing themselves in fits of desperation in the grocery store, while others look on, judgmentally. We have to pick up the pieces of every broken toy, emotion, soul. We have to be strong and patient. We have to raise sane, secure, capable children who will one day be our, hopefully competent, workforce. And we do all this while others look down on us for, ahem, staying at home.

So, do I do enough? Yes, I do.

But it’s not a list that validates it for me. It’s not the salary. It’s the peace I have had to find within. I have had to transcend my own greed, my ego’s need for self-worth, to feel as though everything I do is worthy. And that peace never brings home a paycheck.