I felt like I was awakened to a small degree when I last posted. I was (partially) bestowed with the understanding of what it is to be. I was accepting of life.
Then something happened, and like a bat out of hell, my small self, my human-ness, came back to haunt me from my being-ness. I was fraught with seething anger, contemptuous, venomous anger at life. I allowed my small self to elude my true self and I stayed in a bad, negative mood for three whole days. It was as if Hurricane Bitch came to visit me and blew away all my strength to be positive with its furtive force.
All the time that insufferable, howling wind of anger was blowing in me and through me, I could see that I was slipping away. I knew I was irrationally disgruntled and the reasons for me being so bore no weight. They were futile, useless reasons that I attached to like a thirsty leach and made them the cause of my unrest.
And as I was slipping further away, I found my grip, and pulled myself out of the piles of angry rubble that had collapsed upon me during the Hurricane. I knew I had erred. I had chosen to be angry and moody for no real reason. I lost myself in imaginary situations which required me to be angry, and the anger grew. I conjured up painful memories of the past and the anger grew. I wanted to leave where I was but I couldn’t, and the anger grew.
It’s funny how I realized the joy of being only days before I forgot it. Isn’t it funny when things are rosy and life is lovely and you are present, living in the now, and then one day it all falls apart and you take 10 steps back?
For now, I’m back to being and I’d like it to stay that way. I still have to wash away the scars of that 3-day trial, but I’m somewhat back. Appreciative, grateful, accepting. Let’s hope it stays that way for a while.